Hormones combined with Jet Lag they are not serving me well this week. I am having WOW wobbles, confidence wobbles, guild wobbles. (Added to my RL wobbles – I didn’t get the job I went for, even though I’m not sure I actually wanted it, it would have been nice to have been offered 
)
Confidence is at a low again.
I have been raiding with some super 20-something young-uns and it’s not good for me really. I am a keyboard turner. Yes. I am. I have managed to kill most stuff in WOW while being a keyboard turner. I am from a generation who grew up before mice were invented. I use my mouse to heal. I click one of my five mouse buttons (or a combination with shift or control) to heal and I use my awsd buttons to move. I can use my mouse to move, when I don’t need to be healing, but I don’t do it often.
This makes me feel uncomfortable when round players who are fast, quick with their hands and generally more adept than me. I feel like I am mocked, laughed at, scorned.
I have MS which has affected my hands (they have lost some sensation and coordination) so I can’t type particularly well any more and it’s easier for me to do the important things I do (healing) with my mouse. Also, I’m an old dog and have been turning this way for 6 years and it’s second nature to me now.
I am having guild wobbles… I do like my new guild but at the moment it’s gone very pressured again for me – even in the second group (who are now almost at 2 HC kills). For example I feel bad because I don’t max out my VP each week. I don’t like pugging and I often don’t shout up in guild for runs because I don’t want to feel like the worst player in the group who lets the guild down. I have never finished ZG yet and am ashamed to admit it. I would love to try a ZA bear run, but the guys who do them are all so skilled and know where to go and what to do that I am embarrassed to join in for fear of messing up and looking rubbish.
I feel like I must seem to my guildies like one of those players I used to get frustrated with who did not work on their characters. In my eyes it’s not quite the same though because I do know what I want, my gear IS correctly gemmed and enchanted and my talents and glyphs are set OK – I just don’t have the inclination to max out VP. I’d rather raid, fish, or do archaeology. I’ll get my VP bits eventually.
This is not how I want to feel about my guild mates. I want to be part of a happy family and feel useful and worthwhile – most of the time I feel like that silly girl who collects pets, can heal OK but is old and slow and we laugh at her a bit.
I do have a laugh from time to time and mostly enjoy raiding, but the banter is a bit ‘laddish’ for me. They use the c-word, f-word, t-word and many more words that I’m not particularly comfortable with a lot of the time. I’m not a prude my a long way, but some of these words really make my skin crawl when used to excess. It makes me feel like my Mother who doesn’t even approve of me using the word ‘crap’.
I don’t mind a bit of swearing, but raiding is feeling like I’m in a pub with sawdust on the floor and beer slopping everywhere and I don’t really belong but all my best friends go there so I have to.
So – what do I do? I have done some exploring and think I have found a guild that might suit me more – they raid earlier and aren’t as progressed, but listening in on their raid felt more calm, patient, accommodating. They are Alliance, so it would mean a lot of upheaval (and more RL cost). More gut wrenching farewells and feeling like I’m letting people down. Even feeling like this makes me terribly upset and sad. Sad for me, sad for the people I play with.
I nipped in for a Baleroc kill last night with my guild – they were waiting on a tank before working on HC Rhyolith which only needs 2 healers and I was not needed for. I got some new shoulders which I was pleased about as being the worst geared in a group is not the best feeling for a confidence-low player.
I saw a post on Shintar’s blog this morning which talked about not really feeling overjoyed at kills recently and I totally related to it. I miss the rush of a first kill. Recently kills have felt like a job that was ticked off when done and the next project picked up, rather than celebrated and enjoyed.
I have not been blogging because I know that my guildies old and new read my blog and I can’t really vent much like I used to. I feel like I might get kicked from the guild I am in for thinking about possibly, maybe moving and don’t know if it’s because I am truly unhappy, or if it’s because I am at my hormonal time of the month. I often find myself browsing other places at this point in my cycles and usually it goes away, the world is brighter and all returns to normal a few days later.
Argh – I hate being a female at times. I need some chocolate, sleep and another 2 weeks in Mauritius to recover…….
I didn’t have these worries a fortnight ago when I took this picture
